Doctor DanceFan's Advice to Worried Wives

During the 10 months and many posts that I've been writing this blog about my experiences going to strip clubs I've gotten more than one comment or private email from worried wives. What are they worried about? They are worried that their husband is engaged in the type of behavior that I describe here. Here are two unattributed samples of their comments and questions.

First this one:

"does your wife know of your extracurricular actvities? or is it a case of willful blindness on her part, or is more that you are skilled in the art of
deception? i don't mean to ask in any judgmental way, i am curious about what
goes on in the mind of someone who engages in activities like yours.as a wife
myself, i'd like to know, not that i expect you to blow your secrets, but is
there a way to find out about a husband's activities? is there a reason to
prevent a husband from this? my husband goes to strip clubs occassionally with
his male friends, i have no problems with that, even lap dances are fine, but
your girlfriend experience would disturb me if it involved my husband. do these
behaviors reflect any inadequacies on the wife's part? i'd like to know because
it would help me, and other wives out greatly! "

and this one from a new reader:

"so enlightening...because I have a husband with the same habits. Travels,
loves family, yet does this too.

I'm learning all the time.

well..a little background first. Was reading .......... and was checking out links on that, and somehow came across yours. It was a jaw dropping read for me, since it's a semirecent revelation to me that this is something going on in my marriage.

Your description of your relationship with your family and how these are compartmentalized portions of your life was familiar. I was not familiar with all the workings of this other world..I was intrigued and unhappy both as I read...because this was the shadow side of my world that I vaguely suspected but never faced till recently.

Conclusions? None yet...I'm still fresh to working with this in my mind.

Not to pry..but I will! Your wife knows nothing at all? "

Wow. There is a lot there. Thank you for having the courage to speak up and ask the questions. I'll try to answer those questions as honestly as I can.

But first let me comment on one undertone to the questions. All of the women have indicated that occasional strip club visits, including lapdances, by their husbands would not bother them significantly. Bachelor parties or going out with the guys is forgivable guy behavior if I'm reading them correctly. It's the GFE (Girlfriend Experience) that I've described in my posts that makes them uneasy. It's going by myself and making an emotional connection over time with dancers, as I've described it in great detail in my posts, that causes the concern and disturbs them. I understand that totally. It's more than just lust. I've invested emotional energy in dancers. I understand that emotional investment is what is threatening.

Some quick answers on the questions:

1. Does my wife know? No, she does not. I wish she did and that the club scene was something we shared in our married life. I always envy couples who are in the club together and enjoying it together. But for us it's not something we share. This is not her thing and I don't push it on her. It is my thing and I compartmentalize it. It's my only real vice and I don't regret living this part of my life.

2. Am I skilled at deception? Unfortunately, yes. It takes some measure of deception to visit clubs on my own and to live this important but pervy part of my life. I'm not proud of that. When I'm not in the club I'm a regular upstanding citizen.

3. Does going to the club reflect on inadequacies in the wife? No. As JT said in a comment on my last post - "men need variety". It has nothing to do with the wife. Halle Berry's husband cheated on her, for God's sake. Going to a strip club is a chance for a man to experience being with a variety of women in a somewhat safe setting. It's not dating. It's not prostitution (although Jay at "Working Girls makes a good case for that being a healthy outlet in a marriage!)

4. Is there a reason to prevent my husband from doing this? Not really, in my opinion. It's harmless unless he's out-of-control in some way.

5. Is there a way to find out if your husband is going to strip clubs? Yes, but in defense of the brotherhood I'll keep that one to myself. Sorry.

I have to go catch a plane so I'll stop there for now.

Let's talk about this topic more, interactively. Thoughts anyone?